Positive Results by Sabrina

I vividly remember the first time my child came home from a school function and told me she was too scared to dance. I was so upset that I had made the mistake of letting someone else take her to the event and that person didn’t do everything in their power to make it so she felt comfortable enough to dance. There was no one else on the dance floor and they didn’t want to be the only people dancing, with my young child. I was heartbroken and angry for my baby. This was not an adult who just wasn’t a dancer, I could have understood that. This was a person who just didn’t feel like being the first person on the dance floor and that taught my child that there was something to fear about being that person. That fear and reserve continues to follow them and there have been countless missed opportunities for all of us because of it.

Fast forward a few years, I’m attending an awesome woman’s workshop and find myself unable to dance freely when I’m supposed to be leading a small exercise of ‘follow the leader’ dancing. I remember being so confused with myself because I could not let go. I stuck to ‘safe’ moves, so afraid of looking silly, but then I had so much fun when someone else allowed herself to be silly and I followed her. I had lost touch with myself in ways I couldn’t even admit and I couldn’t pinpoint when it happened. 

Dancing is in my blood. I come from a family of dancers and I can dance to anything. I dance in the grocery store. I’ve danced the Cupid Shuffle in the middle of restaurants and in the middle of random streets with friends. I don’t understand how people go to weddings or parties and don’t feel the urge to dance when the music is playing. But I’m also realizing that I’ve stopped dancing freely and I don’t know when that happened. I don’t know when I started letting fear wrap my body in tight ropes and constrict my movement to only safe options. I don’t remember when the heavy weight of other people’s stares started holding me back and robbing me of my rhythm. 

I do know there have been times when I’ve consciously fought through my demons to help other people dance. I remember attending a school event with one of our nieces and her being desperate to dance. The other adults didn’t want to join her and I made the conscious decision to foster that love in her and didn’t regret it for a second. I was not going to stand by and let fear or doubt keep her from enjoying the experience in the ways that she deserved. We were the first people on that dance floor and we gave other people permission to join us. She danced and danced her little heart out and it was all the confirmation that I needed. The next time we attended an event with her, she didn’t need an adult companion. The dance floor was opened, some kids were out there and she had absolutely no problem joining in. I still saw the timid little girl and felt like she was blossoming right before my eyes. 

Recently, I saw a video of myself dancing before the Shamrock Run and it gave me pause. I was dancing without fear again. I danced that morning without considering who was watching and what they might think. I had no way of knowing anyone would capture it on video. We were having fun, warming up for the run, meeting up with friends and I allowed my body and heart to just be free, enjoy the music and have fun. This is the version of me that I will continue to foster. She came out to dance at another event recently and had a blast. She loves to dance and I will give myself permission to dance freely anytime there is music and space. Shoot, I’ve been known to make space a time or two, to make sure there’s a dance floor. 

There are plenty of people in this world who believe that only certain body types are deserving of attention on the dance floor, on the track, or in races but I don’t have to listen to them. I watch Amelia dance with abandon and she reminds me that the world deserves our joy. She dances because she sees us dance. I want her to have joy in her movement. I want her to hear music and feel the rhythm. I don’t want her to feel the burden of other people’s eyes and opinions. I continue to remind myself that showing up and showing out gives my children permission to do the same. 

My kids may grow in my shadow but I continue to pray that they find their own way into the brightness.

My work to protect them from my scars may not have always been a success but I will never stop.

It’s taken a long time for me to remember what it feels like to dance without fear but I’m getting there.

I may not be where I thought I’d be by now but I’m damn proud of where I’m headed.