Positive Results by Sabrina

“Just ask for help. I’ll be there for you.”

“You don’t have to do everything yourself. That’s why you’re so overwhelmed.”

Seems like a kind thing to say when you think someone is in need but so many of us don’t know how to ask for help because we’ve been doing it so long on our own.

1. If we had time to stop and ask for help, we’d have time to do it ourselves
2. Same with if we had time to explain to you HOW to help
3. We’re so focused on the balls we’re juggling, we can’t see any other way
4. We don’t want to seem weak
5. We truly think we have it under control

For the Helpers:

It’s not that we don’t want help. It’s often that we just don’t know how to go about it. So, we’re asking you to be gentle with us. If you see something that you could help with, specifically offer to do that. I’ve seen posts around helping people in mourning and after childbirth and I think they’re spot on. Things like, “I’m going to the grocery store on Tuesday. Does that give you enough time to make a list of items that you need?”

“I’m making a large pot of x for dinner tonight. Would you like a bowl to eat or put in the freezer for another day?”

“I’ll be over on Monday to help you with laundry or watch the baby for you to work in peace.”

“We’re going to the park after school. Would you like me to take Johnny for an hour?”

If the people you are trying to help are your loved ones, it is easier to see where they might need support or where you can be helpful.

Don’t be upset if they turn you down. It might not be the right time for them. They may be so absorbed in what they’re doing right now that they can’t look up.

Be flexible. Be patient. Try again in a few days.

For those of us struggling to accept/ask for help:

Start small. I’m not asking you to post your to-do list publicly and accept offers from everyone. Who do you trust in your immediate circle? Can you start with your partner, older children, best friend? Find small tasks that don’t require your personal touch and ask for help.

Be honest; with yourself and with your circle. Maybe now isn’t the time to talk about what you’re juggling but in a few hours or tomorrow you’ll have more clarity.

Can you be flexible? I know that when I’m deep in the muck, the only way I see out is the way that I know. If you suggest a different route, I’m probably not going to be very kind. When I look around and wonder why no one is helping me, I have had to acknowledge my rigidity. Is it better that the towels are clean and put away or does it matter that they’re folded the way that you like? Does it matter that tonight is Taco Tuesday and your partner grabbed pizza or is it more important that you’re fed and can get through your to do list? When you’re ready to accept help, can you be flexible about how the help comes to you? Remember, part of starting small is starting with the things that just need to be done, not done perfectly.

Lastly, Progress over Perfection. We don’t have an instruction manual to get through this thing we call life. All we have are the experiences we’ve collected to get us here, the knowledge we’ve gained from the effective and ineffective things that we’ve done and the hope that tomorrow can be a little bit better.

Whether you’re the helper or the one that needs help, don’ t give up. Our roles can change from day to day. If we work diligently to surround ourselves with good people, people who love us and truly see us, the bright days will outnumber the dark days. We can get through this together.