Positive Results by Sabrina

Today is World Mental Health Day and the anniversary of one of the saddest times in my life. A time I rarely talk about because it’s not just my story to tell but a time that carries such immense pain for me that I can feel the ache like it was yesterday.

On this day in 2020, I set out for a virtual race to honor the day. I wasn’t feeling good but participating in this event and talking about mental health was important to me. I told my partner that I wasn’t going to let the way I was feeling that morning stop me from getting my workout in because I had a long road of sickness ahead of me. 

I didn’t know I would still be fighting my way down that road 5 years later. And that’s the thing about Mental Health, it’s a long road and a long battle. Some days we feel strong and ‘normal’. But many other days, those of us who struggle with poor mental health, feel anything but normal. We work hard for each smile we share and each good day we experience. We’re constantly working on positive coping mechanisms that can include medication, exercise, reading, journaling, nervous system regulation and more. We’re actively working to create the circles of support that help to keep us healthy instead of triggering our symptoms and sending us back into the darkness.

One thing that works for me

I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember. I’ve been hospitalized for trying to make an early exit. I’ve participated in many treatment programs for myself and for my family. I’ve read the articles and books, watched the videos and studied the material. I am grateful that I’ve learned many skills to help control my symptoms but I’m far from cured. I have conversations with my partner and my friends when I feel myself slipping. Honesty for me takes away some of the pain. The people that I trust to be in my inner circle now do not flinch when I say things like “My mental health has been really bad lately,” or “I can’t be around that person anymore in order to protect my mental health.” We talk about each other’s symptoms, management plans and triggers. We check on each other and make space to listen to, acknowledge and accept each other just the way we are.

Running Yes. Alcohol No.

One of the things I’m most grateful for is my ability to run. I’ve made it no secret that running saved my life through the pandemic. I ran from March 2020 to October 2020 to handle the loneliness and fear that came with the pandemic. After my body healed from our loss, I started running again. Running gives me the boost of healthy endorphins that I need. It also keeps me fueled, hydrated and sober. Some people don’t like to hear it but alcohol is a depressant. Drinking regularly is not helpful for those of us struggling with mental health issues. I cannot run if I’ve been drinking, possibly because I’m partially dehydrated. So if I know I’m going to run, I don’t drink. I’ve never been a big drinker but I’ve always been surrounded by people that are. I’m thankful that I learned to deal with my depression and anxiety without the numbness that comes from alcohol. It also means that I’ve learned to surround myself with people that will choose a walk, coffee, or meal over meeting for drinks. I don’t have many healthy stories that include alcohol but I have a ton that include walking or running with friends. I’m grateful that sobriety is being discussed and honored more publicly now. We’re finally acknowledging all of the damage that normalizing drinking has caused and we’re building better foundations for our children. 

Sharing is caring

As much as it can hurt, I’m finding power in sharing my pain. The conversations that have come from vulnerability have healed pieces of my heart that I never thought would heal. When my oldest daughter was hospitalized for her mental health, she thought telling people she was in rehab would go over easier because people didn’t understand depression. This is probably still the case in many circles but I try to avoid those circles. I find myself drawn to the people who also need the safety we offer and  can benefit from sharing their stories. Mental health struggles are often invisible. We can’t see what someone is carrying. Similarly, cou can see that someone has three kids chasing them around the park, but you can’t see the angel babies they have watching over them.  Maybe you don’t believe in angels. That’s ok. When my baby puts on a hat and talks about being her brother or playing with her brother, I believe enough for both of us.

I’ve learned of other families that have suffered heartbreaking losses because I’ve chosen to share pieces of my story, making it easier for them to share. For many of us, conversation can be cathartic. For others, there are no words, just a look and a hug is good enough. For me, there is power in it all. There are days that all I can do is look at my children and thank them for giving me a reason to keep fighting. There are other days where I want to stand in the middle of the park and be the safe beacon for all of the women who need it. Both days, I’m grateful that I’m still here and still fighting my demons.

If all you can do today is get through work, you’re doing good. If today you’re feeling stronger than you’ve felt in years, you’re doing good. Each day is a new fight. Thank you for continuing to fight. Thank you for showing up for yourself. You are not alone. I applaud you and I love you.

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